Painted On My Heart
by sassybtsweet11
Summary: A glimpse into what Edwards life was like without Bella set during New Moon


I had left my heart behind in a rainy city known as Forks. Every night since i had left it i dreamt of it, more importantly i dreamt of my Isabella. She was the very reason i even knew my heart still existed in my long dead body.

I thought that when i left her my mind would be at ease in the belief that she would have an actual future now, a real _human_ future. There were things i could not give her, that i felt she needed to experience and have.

However my plans had gone dreadfully wrong. I never knew this kind of pain prior to leaving my Bella behind. The thirst by all means should have consumed me, and maybe had i entered within the radius of a human it would have, but instead my eyes were a dark coal, and my stomach sat empty.

I couldnt eat, no matter how hungry i became. The fact that i couldnt sleep made it impossible to escape the reality of this situation, which was that i was more alone than i had ever been before.

I had left my family, and sought out on my own. Being around them was too hard, to witness their happiness with their lovers, their mates. My mate was a human. A human that deserved the chance to live her life, and not be tied down to me just because i couldnt live without her.

I knew she had probably long forgotten all about me, what could i have meant to her anyhow, since i had only constantly put her life in danger since i had entered it?

My hands gripped the sheets on the bed i currently lay upon. I couldnt get rid of the things i had shared with her, no matter how hard i tried. To lay upon this bed was both the greatest comfort and also one of the many reasons i was in the condition i was in.

I couldnt bring myself to not lay on this bed, because it was a memory i had of Bella. All of those nights on her bed singing her to sleep, while her warm body was pressed ever so tightly against my own.

Yet, to lay on this bed caused the greatest agony, because my Bella was not here with me, safely in my arms.

She belonged here, said my heart. Yet my mind repeated the same mantra over and over, that she deserves so much better.

This night was no different than any other. I sat here alone, and if i could cry tears, i would have been bawling like a human child. I couldnt function, i couldnt do anything other than invision her face.

The second i would begin to see her in my head, my heart would gently recite everything beautiful about her. Suddenly those warm, chocolate like eyes i had stared into so many times in the past would be sparkling at me.

Her lips that had felt like silk against mine would part ever so slightly, as if begging me to kiss them. Her soft brown hair would be framing her face, and she would be laying in the meadow i had taken her to so many times.

_Our meadow._

For those few moments of each day that i broke down and allowed myself to feel everything that i pushed inside, i felt whole. Suddenly i could imagine that my Bella was with me, her warm body right next to me. I could almost hear her gentle breathing while she slept, while she dreamt of _me_.

I should have been thankful that god had given me such an angel, even if only for the briefest periods of my entire existance. Instead i was bitter, i didnt understand why i was meant to suffer in such ways. I wanted to be selfish, not selfless.

I wanted to take Bella and make her _my_ wife, sink my teeth into her flesh in the most erotic of ways so that my venom could spread through her bloodstream and make her into my _real_ mate.

I didnt want some unworthy human boy to have her, they did not deserve her. I had waited so long to find her, and here i was having to hide from her just to control myself.

I fought the urge to run home to her warm body every day, to just run back to forks, take her in my arms and beg her forgiveness. Tell her that i loved to too much to give her up, that i had to be selfish and bite her, mark her really, because she belonged to me and that she _didnt_ have a choice any longer.

Yet here i lay, because the side that _wanted_ her to have the choice was stronger. My selflessness won out over my selfishness.

She would get married, have children, grow old and leave behind a story. A legacy. She would find real love, she would have a real life. A life that i would have to take from her if she and i were to have remained together. She would forget all about me, while i would lay in this little shack day after day, the rest of eternity absolutely _yearning_ for her.

So long as she could have everything, i would take nothing. She will experience life for all its worth, while i remain eternally seventeen.When she would die, i would visit her grave and place a single red rose on top of it, and then i would do everything in my power to end my hellish existance, simply to follow her into the afterlife.

I would then spend the rest of my time in hell, staring longingly up at the gates of heaven, where my true love would be residing. Where my mate would be with her family, and _her_ true love.

The thought of her in love with anyone else other than me would then send more angry tremors through my body, to where i would almost run out of the shack and back to her. Almost.

...But I never did.

_**I thought, you'd be out of my mind****  
And i'd finally found a way to learn to live without you  
**_

_**I thought, it was just a matter of time  
Till i had a hundred reasons not to think about you**_

_**But its just not so...  
****and after all this time..  
i still cant let go**_

_**I still got your face **_

_**painted on my heart**_

_**drawn upon my soul**_

_**etched upon my memory, baby**_

_**and i got your kiss****  
burning on my lips  
the touch of your fingertips**_

_**this love so deep inside of me, baby**_

_**I've tried everything that I can****  
To get my heart to forget you  
But it just can't seem to**_

_**I guess it's just no use  
****In every part of me  
Is still a part of you**_

_**And I've still got your face**_

_**Painted on my heart**_

_**Drawn upon my soul**_

_**Etched upon my memory, baby**_

_**And I've got your kiss  
Still burning on my lips**_

_**The touch of your fingertips  
This love so deep inside of me, baby**_

_**I've still got your face  
Painted on my heart**_

_**Painted on my heart**_

_**Painted on my heart, oh yeah yeah**_

_**Something in your eyes keeps haunting me  
I'm trying to escape you**_

_**And I know there ain't no way to**_

_**To chase you from my mind**_

_**I've still got your face  
Painted on my heart**_

_**Drawn upon my soul  
Etched upon my memory, baby**_

_**And I've got your kiss  
Still burning on my lips**_

_**The touch of your fingertips**_

_**This love so deep inside of me, baby**_

_**I've still got your face**_

_**I've still got your face**_

_**Painted on my heart  
Painted on my heart**_

_**Painted on my heart  
C'mon C'mon C'mon C'mon Baby**_

_**C'mon C'mon Baby  
C'mon C'mon Baby**_

_**I've still got your face**_

_**Painted on my heart**_


End file.
